The Hidden Tape

In response to the tension caused when white police officer James Crowley arrested black Harvard Professor Henry Gates for breaking into his own house, black and white President Barack Obama invited the two men for a few beers on the white house lawn to discuss race and to smooth things over. The Press was kept at a distance but here is the transcript from a hidden recorder.

Beer 1, 4:30 pm

Obama: Gentlemen I thank you for coming to the White House today to discuss matters and enjoy each other's company, I believe that together the three of us can come to an agree-.

Joe Biden: Hey guys! What'cha doing, drinking beers? Aw man, can I join? If I had known you guys were doing this I would have brought over a sixer or something.

Obama: Joe this has been on the news every night for a week. Sure you can join us, I got some Bud Lights in the cooler. Now I hope we can keep the discussion friendly.

Beer 3, 5:15 pm

Crowley: Haha, I admit it is a little embarrassing to arrest someone for breaking into their own home, but I was just following protocol.

Gates: Yeah but I think you could have been a little more understanding and not have given me such a hard time just because I'm of African American descent.

Crowley: Woah woah now that's not part of --

Obama: Guys, guys, we're not here to fight.

(awkward silence)

Biden: You guys wanna do some shots?

Beer 11, Shot 3, 8:02 pm

Obama: That's the most hilarious story about a tranny midget I've heard this week! But seriously, guys, do you like me?

All three: Of course we like you.

Obama: It's just that nothing's working like I thought it would and my approval rating's down and everyone is making fun of me. *sniffle* It's just hard sometimes, ya know?

Gates: It's okay, man, they just don't like you because you're black.

Obama: But I thought that's why they elected me.

(awkward silence)

Biden: Does anyone wanna smoke this bowl I packed?

Obama: *Sniff* Hells yeah, pass it here, I'll spark it.

Beer 23, Shot 8, Bowl 2, 11:23pm

Gates: You guys are the *%&$&^! Why didn't we think of this sooner? I am completely over this whole thing. Now it's just something to laugh about.

Obama: I shink thit's awshum thit wurr ull gittin' along. I knew thish was a kick-ass idea.

Biden: I'm so glad I did this instead of reading that Health Care Reform bill, that *%&$&^ was BORING! I can't wait to tell America tomorrow that we finally fixed racism in America.

Crowley: Yeah I'm happy how things went, and you know what? You niggers are alright in my book.

Obama and Gates: What did you say?